I'm a mactard

I came across a webpage so shockingly stupid, I wasn't sure whether is was a parody or just an inaccurate review. Parts of it were outright parody and others were echoing comments I'd read elsewhere around the 'net. Regardless, I had to comment on it. I like Macs, I use Macs daily and they suit me fine. I don't consider myself a Jobs worshipper and I don't watch the Mac expo web streams hanging on his every word. I'm, in that regard, fairly normal.

I present: Mac Mini - The emporer's new computer by Jorge Lopez.

Ok, here we go.

Both the Apple hype machine and Jobs' reality distortion field have kicked into overdrive this year with the recent release of the bold, innovative and affordable G4 Cube...oops I mean the Mac mini.

All right, you get that one. I too though "G4 Cube" when I heard of the Mac Mini.

While the hardware is about roughly equivalent to a Windows PC circa 1995...

The cheapest Mac Mini comes with a 1.25GHz G4 processor and 256mb RAM. Now, it's no powerhouse - especially when you're used to 3.6ghz figures, but does it compare to a Wintel specificiation from 10 years ago? I'm not really going to spend valuable seconds looking up the spec of a '95 computer, but I'm guessing we're talking Pentium 1 at about 500mhz. I get that he's probably being sarcastic and it's probably a parody, but this is paragraph two which sets you up for the rest knowing that he's not going to give it a fair review.

Oh, did I forget to mention that the Mini has no PCI slots either?  And no floppy disk drive?  Well, no wonder they got the unit to be so small.  No keyboard or mouse either.

The Mac Mini is marketed at people who think a PCI slot is some kind of ornate letterbox. Macs got rid of the floppy drive years ago with the original blueberry iMac and we've got along just fine without floppy disks.

I could get a Mac mini computer for $499 and have no keyboard or mouse, no serial ports, no way to connect a printer, no PS/2 ports, no floppy drive, no 5.25" bays, no PCI slots, no speakers, and no Windows XP.

No PS/2 ports? Why would you want ancient technology when you have USB ports? No way to connect a printer? We're back to USB ports. I can't think of a single decent printer manufactured in the last 3 years that doesn't offer USB connectivity. Get rid of that '93 laserwriter you cheapskate. No floppy drive - covered that. No PCI slots - don't care. No Windows XP? Well - erm - some might consider that a good thing. Sounding more like a parody.

The Mini boots up into a stripped-down operating system which Apple calls OS X, similar to the stripped-down WindowsCE OS found on many handhelds.  The mini OS is going to be a significant hurdle for many buyers who are used to Windows or have favorite Windows software packages they need to use.  Think of it more as a first computer for your daughter or niece than as a machine to get any serious work done and you’ll get the point of the Mini and its target market. It might also be the perfect computer for grandmothers or autistic children, for example.

A stripped down OS like WindowsCE? A stripped down OS? A unix backbone with some original and innovative features (expose, hello!) is stripped down? That's where you start to lose any last remaining hope that this is going to be a serious review.  That's like saying Unix isn't a capable OS. That'll get loads of bearded weirdos posting on alt.unix.doesnt.suck. Autistic children? Ouch!

The Mini has got some built-in software for basic computer functions, but it can’t do many common things as well as its grown-up brothers in the Windows world can.

Hilarious!

For example, there is no Outlook Express for email, but Apple includes a program called Mail, which is like a stripped-down email client that can’t execute scripts or open attachments without user intervention.

Mail is a stripped down email client? Compared to what? Hal 900? I'm beginnging to realise that this reviewer is confusing "nice, clean UI" to "stripped down and featureless". It can't execute scripts and open attachments without user intervention? THANK GOD!

Secondly and possibly even more glaringly, there is no antivirus program shipped with the Mac.  In today’s climate of non-stop worms, trojans and viruses, releasing a computer with no virus removal software is irresponsible on the part of Apple.  The OS X comes with some system maintenance utilities, but essentials such as a defragmenter or a or registry cleaner are notably absent.  I would expect a Mini to get really slow and unstable within a couple months if you can’t perform any routine maintenance tasks on it.

OS X doesn't need industrial strength anti-virus software because of a distinct lack of viruses for the OS! Yes, Macs aren't mainstream and so hackers aren't interested. That's a well known Mac-fact. A registry cleaner? This isn't Windows you know. We don't need no stinkin' registry to clean!

I did a google to see if there were Mac versions of any of my favorite applications; unfortunately I ended up disappointed every time. There are very few first-person shooters for OSX.  There is no Mac version of WeatherBug to check the temperature anywhere in the world.

Wow. How on earth am I going to live without the knowing how warm it is in Spain? I know, I'll google it! Or better, download one of the gazillion such programs for the Mac. Oh, and my PS 2 disks don't play in my xbox - what's that about?

My Office 2003 CD would not install, despite claims I had heard from Mac fanboys that OS X is compatible with Office.  Heck, the Internet Explorer icon isn’t even out on the taskbar by default, it’s buried in the c:\applications folder. 

Well kiddo, sorry to be the one to break this to you - but you'll need to purchase the Mac version of Office. It's called Office X. It works pretty well. Oh, and there is no C drive in OS X.

$499 sounds like a decent price at first, but consumers need to be aware that once they add on the basics like a keyboard, monitor and mouse, plus shell out for some antivirus software, the Mac mini price is scraping the ceiling of $1600, hardly a “computer for the rest of us.”

You're going to spend $1200 on a keyboard, mouse and monitor? Gold plated by any chance?

I conclude that if this wasn't a parody, Jorge didn't actually understand the concept of a computer not being Windows-centric and found it hard to come to terms with an OS that didn't need bleach thick anti-virus programs and didn't need a complete OS reinstall every 3 months along with a nice hard disk format.

Don't bother telling me you own a Windows computer and don't need to re-install the OS every 3 months. I'm still waiting for my Windows lap-top to crash.